Lost | A Poem

What is desire if not something to be denied.

A racing heart clotheslined by restraints around a conscience influenced by invisible lies.

Throughout my childhood I walked in the shadow of Jesus and his self proclaimed prophets.

I was a disciple plagued by those who I was told wished to persecute me.

I was told I was different.

I was told that I was special.

I was told that I would one day die for what I believed;

That I would die for a man who once died for me.

After all,

It is written that “There is no greater love than this.”

I acted out crucifixion scenes in our backyard

I knelt in prayer in our own garden of gethsemane and choked back tears of guilt.

I sang creative hymns while a mock cat of nine tails spattered fake blood across my back.

I felt a rush of adrenaline mixed with gleeful joy as I was raised up half naked upon a cross crafted of untreated 2x4’s from the lumber pile outback.

The nails I held onto were beginning to rust with the west coast rains and I smiled.

At this moment I was holy.

An innocent lamb showing my love and devotion to my savior,

My father

My groom crowned with divinity.

I was his bride and I would serve him for an eternity with unfaltering loyalty.

“Oh! My God I repent!”

I cried through tears of desperation as I laid upon my bed.

I clutched my bible to my chest.

My mind was a storm of torment

And my heart a turbulent ocean.

Rope burns and fresh wounds were my beauty routines

My knees became bruised with subservient proclamations,

And I read God's word as though I were feverishly reciting incantations.

I sat up in my bunk til the light of dawn chased the demons back to hell and still I whispered prayers to the father,

The son, and the holy ghost.

Was I special? Perhaps not.

Was I different? Was I in fact all wrong?

I became consumed with a blooming righteous sincerity.

A quest to become more like unto Christ the almighty

Maybe I could be the sacrifice laid upon the altar for posterity.

Or be martyred in his name so that I might somehow prove myself worthy.

I scorned the acts of adultery I was told I committed within my mind

Pushed out the thought of his lips on mine

And fled from the dangers of desire.

My heart was caged in the highest of towers

Where I was told I would be nothing without my God

I screamed out to him every night of my isolated childhood.

I cried tears enough to fill dried river beds and bring life to the surrounding landscape.

I imagined kissing her in the vine maple glades behind our house as the birds welcomed spring around us.

I wished that I had run away from there, his hand in mine and mine in his in some rebellious act of naive adolescence.

But all those thoughts were a prayer locked away and forgotten in time.

I prayed but I was lost

And I feared I was just praying to silence.